


I Can Hear Your Heart

by Chaosandthecalm



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Best Friends, First Kiss, Jonnor - Freeform, M/M, Young Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-04-18 07:19:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4697147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaosandthecalm/pseuds/Chaosandthecalm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jude and Connor have been best friends since kindergarten. When Connor asks him for help Jude can't say no. Except now everything is changing and he doesn't know how to stop it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Jude jerks awake as he hears the door to his room slam open. He sits up, eyes still blurry and tries to figure out where the hell the noise came from. Connor was pushing his way through the door, book bag hanging off one shoulder and arms full of soda cans and chips.

“Hey dude”

Jude rubs a hand across his face trying to come back to reality. Napping always seems to fuck him up but these days he can’t help it. Everyone always warned him that high school was going to be harder but it’s the five o’clock alarms that are the worst. Nobody happened to mention those.

“Did you seriously nap again? You’re always so tired man, you need start eating better.” Connor says, dumping junk food onto the bed. Jude raises an eyebrow at him and Connor grinned, shrugging.

“I’m not your mother.”

Being best friends with someone since kindergarten definitely had its advantages. Connor always seemed to know what he was about to say or do. He always knew when Jude was pissed and when he had to lead him away from a situation.  
Jude always knew when Connor was upset. Despite the fact that over the years he had perfected his poker face. The day he came to school after his parents told him about the divorce it took Jude .5 seconds to figure out something was wrong and turn Connor right back around. They spend the day in the tree house in his back yard, not talking. Just sitting, legs crossed, knees touching as they read comic books. It was hot as hell in there and they were way too big for it now but at the end of the day Connor had looked up at him and smiled and that made it all worth it. 

“So we should do our homework…” Connor said, flopping down on the bed next to Jude, mouth full of chips.

“You’re disgusting. And when do we ever do our homework?” Jude mumbled, still trying to wake up. Connor grinned at him, mouth still full. 

“Well if we’re going to do it we need to do it now cause I’m supposed to meet Maddie in an hour.” Something like annoyance flared inside of Jude. He liked Maddie just fine, but ever since she and Connor started dating six months ago he never got to see his best friend anymore. Connor had been thrilled when she finally said yes, running down the hall at school and lifting Jude up as he hugged him. Connor walked around smiling like an idiot for two weeks straight after that. 

“Fuck it, let’s just watch Cops or something. My brain isn’t even fully awake yet.”

He could see Connor smiling and shrugging, chugging a can of soda before throwing it in the vicinity of the trash can. He missed.  
They spend an hour laying back in bed, covers messy around them from Jude’s nap, sun making the room bearably warm. Their legs stretched out, Connor’s hanging off the edge. Jude had his growth spurt first, shooting up two feet within a year. It was the most painful experience of his life. He would wake up in the middle of the night sobbing as his body stretched. Now he was 6’1, with the same long arms and legs he always had. He was still thin but his body was starting to grow into itself. Connor on the other hand had watched as Jude slowly got taller and taller while he stayed at a measly 5’8. To compensate he started working out. When his growth spurt hit last year not only did he beat Jude by an inch but his body was leanly muscled and in a constant state of bronzed perfection. 

“Man how are you so tan all the goddamned time….” Jude mumbled, not wanting to disturb their quiet peace. 

“Hm?” 

Jude wrapped a hand around Connor’s wrist bringing his arm up to his face. 

“You’re like ten shades darker than me and it’s fucking winter.”

Connor huffed out a laugh. 

“I’m just naturally bronzed. Don’t be jealous Casper.” Jude let go of Connor’s arm and pinched the skin in the dip of elbow. Connor jerked and slapped his hand away.

“Hey watch it! Don’t damage the goods.” He said, bringing his arm up and flexing. Jude rolled his eyes and pushed him away.

“Shut up you narcissist.” Connor settled back against the pillows, laughing softly and then seemed to notice the time on the cable box. 

“Oh shit, I should go.” He stood up slowly and grabbed his backpack from the floor. 

“Tell Maddie I said hi.” Connor’s face lit up as Jude said her name. That same feeling twisted inside of Jude. He tried not to think about it. 

 

Friday nights were always his favorite because it meant that he and Connor would go home together and spend the whole night playing video games in his room and falling asleep at a ridiculous hour.  
He waited at his locker, playing some stupid game that someone had send it a link to. It was impossible to beat and all it did was frustrate him and yet he continued to press the play again button. He was a true glutton for punishment.  
After the tenth attempt to beat the level he resisted the urge to chuck his phone against the opposite wall and looked up in time to see Connor, hand in hand with Maddie, heading toward him.  
He managed to work his expression into a smile just as they walked up to him.

“Hey Jude!” Jude hated how nice she was. It was harder to hate her for stealing his best friend. 

“Hey Maddie.” He really hoped it didn’t sound as annoyed as it did in his head. Connor was smiling so wide it looked almost painful. 

“You ready to go man?” He asked Jude, hand still wrapped around hers. 

“Yeah if you are.” Jude knew that this is the part where Connor would lean over and kiss his girlfriend goodbye. He wanted to turn away but something kept his eyes on the pair in front of him.  
Instead of kissing Maddie on the lips, Connor hugged her quickly and placed a chaste kiss on her cheek as he pulled away. Jude appreciated the gesture.

~~

“You know you can kiss Maddie in front of me. It’s not like I’ll be grossed out.” He didn’t know why he said that, and regretted it immediately. It just seemed like something he was supposed to say. Connor shifted where he was sitting on the floor in front of Jude. 

“I know…” it was quiet and Jude could see how tense Connor’s shoulders were. He didn’t press the issue after that. An uncomfortable silence hung over them for way too long than he was used to.  
Finally Connor burped, way too loud in the quiet room and said he was starving. Jude had sighed dramatically and got up with Connor to go root around in the kitchen for something to eat. Everything felt almost back to normal, despite the tension that still hung in the air.  
That night, after eating way too much junk food and playing video games until their eyes blurred they finally crawled into bed. Jude’s full sized bed was starting to feel small with both of them in it, but he didn’t mind so much. He did mind when he would woke up with Connor plastered to his back, drooling on his shoulder.  
Jude closed his eyes but he could feel that Connor was still awake, he was too still. He looked over at him not surprised to find Connor wide awake, eyes glued to the ceiling. 

“I haven’t kissed her yet.” It was so quiet that Jude wasn’t even sure that he had said anything. 

“What?”

“I don’t know why. It just never feels like the right time. It’s been six months man. I just….it’s never perfect.”  
Jude wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say to that. He remembered Connor always sitting out when it came to kissing games in middle school. He always proclaimed them as ‘stupid’ and ‘childish’ but Jude could always tell there was something else. 

“Why don’t you just do it? You’ve build it up so much that you’re freaking yourself out…”

Connor bit his lip, refusing to look at Jude.

“It would be my first kiss.” 

Jude could feel his body going rigid with shock. How was that possible? Connor was ‘hot’ according to every girl in his class. And he’s had girls running after him since sixth grade. Even Jude had his first kiss already. With Patty Jenkins in a dark, hot closet at one of Chelsea’s parties. It was quick and kind of spitty but he had gotten it over with. Connor had looked so proud of him when he finally stumbled out of the closet, blinking at the bright lights. 

“How….I mean….you’re…”

“Yeah I know! But when I was kid I was always waiting for her you know? And now that she’s finally mine it’s like…I don’t want the first time to be terrible.” Connor turned to look at him with such distress that Jude felt a pang in his chest.

“It won’t be! It’s not rocket science…”

“But what if it is? What if I’m the worst kisser in the world and she dumps me. After all of that I would lose her!” Jude wanted to laugh at how worked up his best friend was getting. Especially over this. 

“Dude she clearly likes you….so what if you’re bad at first? You’ll practice and you’ll get better.” Connor sighed, turning to look at him again.

“What if she doesn’t want to wait for me to get better?” 

“You’re sixteen….she’s not going to expect you to be perfect. I’m sure if you tell her the truth she’ll just think it’s sweet.” 

“Sweet?!” Connor groaned, covering his face with his hands. 

“Come on man! Stop stressing out about this! The faster you do it the faster it’ll be behind you.” Connor’s hands dropped to his side and he huffed out a frustrated breath. 

“Yeah I guess….” Jude could tell that the conversation was over and that Connor was regretting telling him this in the first place. He was terrified of being swallowed up by silence again so he blurted out

“You could always practice on someone else…”

Connor turned to him slowly, eyes narrowed. 

“What like cheat?” 

“No….maybe someone she doesn’t know? Or someone who could help you out without it getting weird?” Connor stared at him for a long beat, eyes searching his face. 

“We should sleep.” Connor rolled away from him, back towards Jude.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning they woke up, legs tangled together like always and the awkwardness was still there but not as strongly as before. They got up and brushed their teeth, elbowing each other and laughing.  
As they ate breakfast Jude would catch Connor looking at him, his eyes searching. He would always turn away trying not to feel that gaze locked on him.  
Connor had a date with Maddie that afternoon so after watching a couple of hours of bad morning TV he got up off the couch with a groan and went to grab his stuff. Jude watched as Connor kissed both of his mom’s on the cheek and waved in his direction before heading out. He wanted to tell himself that it was just like any other Saturday morning but the weirdness still hung in the air like storm cloud.  
He resisted the urge to text Connor and apologize for last night. He decided it would only make it weirder. He buried himself even deeper into the couch, throwing his phone out of reach to resist temptation. 

 

Jude jerked awake at the sound of his phone beeping. He reached towards the coffee table, grabbing it and bringing it to his face.

hey u home?

He sat up and read it again, not comprehending the words yet. It was from Connor. 

Yeah

A minute later there was a knock on the door and Jude stared at it. Connor never knocked on the door. He usually just walked right in and grabbed something to eat before heading to Jude’s room. He got up from the couch and went to the door. Connor was standing on the other side, the sun setting behind him. 

“Hey…” he looked almost nervous, shifting from one foot to the other. 

“Hey. What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” Jude didn’t buy it for a second. 

“Wanna hang out?” Connor asked, not looking at him in the eyes. 

“Yeah sure….wanna go up to my room?” Connor nodded and they headed up the stairs, Jude could always feel Connor fidgeting behind him. 

“Your moms home?” 

“Nah…you know how they’ve been since everyone left. They’re probably on the beach somewhere, drinking wine and being gross.” 

His moms had cried for a week when Mariana, the last of the older kids, headed off to college. After that though they realized that Jude was old enough to take of himself not to mention he never got into any trouble. Mom finally decided to use up some of the vacation time she had and Mama had decided to only work at the middle school part time.  
They spend most of their time going on dates and going away for long weekends. Jude didn’t mind, they’ve never looked happier.  
They finally made it to Jude’s room, Connor standing in the doorway awkwardly before sitting down on the floor, facing the TV. 

“Want to play something?” Jude asked, picking up one of the game controllers and sitting on the edge of his bed. Connor shook his head, not turning to look at him. 

“Oook….can we watch TV?” Connor nodded, a tiny jerk of his head. They sat in silence, Jude on his bed and Connor on the floor, watching some ridiculous show on HGTV about people buying beach front property. 

“Will you do it?” Jude glanced at Connor, wondering if he was hearing things. He turned the volume down.

“What?” Connor was staring at the floor, his back tense. 

“Will you help me? Practice I mean?” 

It took Jude a full minute before the conversation they had last night came back to him.

“Wait….what?!” He stared at the back of Connor’s head, could feel the tension in the room. 

“Well you said to practice and I don’t want it to be a girl because then that’s cheating! You’re my friend man! I need your help!” Connor pleaded spinning around to look at him. Jude sat completely still not entirely comprehending what was happening. 

“What the hell are you talking about? I’m not gay!”

“Neither am I!” Connor’s voice was starting to sound desperate. 

“But that’s the good thing! You’re won’t ever tell anyone and were not attracted to each other so it’s not like it’s going to go any further than this. Plus you’re my best friend. I trust you to be honest with me…” Connor was pleading at this point, his eyes huge and desperate.  
Jude took a deep breath, trying to look away but not being able to. He had no idea what to say. His body was on fire and he knew he was probably blushing. The thought of kissing Connor was making his stomach clench.

“I don’t know Connor….”

“Jude please.” 

Connor had crawled closer to him, sitting on his knees right in front of Jude. Jude knew he should say no. This would make things complicated and that was one thing that their friendship never was. 

“What if this fucks everything up?” 

“It won’t. You’re my best friend forever ok? This is just you doing me the biggest favor in the world.” Jude looked down at his feet, so close to Connor’s knees. He wanted to kick him for even asking, for even putting it out there.  
He took a deep breath and slid off the edge of the bed, sitting right in front of Connor. He couldn’t look at him, not when he was so close. Connor had moved back just a little, but there was still barely a foot of space between them.

“Jude…” it was impossibly soft, the way Connor said his name. Jude couldn’t help but look up. Connor was looking at him, waiting for him to say no or to run away. 

“Go ahead.” 

Connor took a deep, shuddering breath and Jude felt his heart racing. He wouldn’t be surprised if Connor could hear it, could feel the floor beneath him shaking with the force.  
Jude held his breath when Connor began to lean in closer. Connor’s eyes darted from his lips back to his eyes, checking to make sure Jude wasn’t going anywhere. He could feel Connor’s breath on his mouth, the smell of peppermint and something very distinctly Connor was everywhere. He felt like he was drowning in it. Connor’s eyes closed at the last second and Jude felt himself closing his eyes too.  
Then Connor’s lips were on his, barely there. Jude held perfectly still as Connor kissed him, closed mouthed and dry.  
Jude flinched when he felt Connor’s fingers on his face, relaxed as his hand cupped his face. Connor pulled him closer as his lips opened under Jude’s. The kiss deepened and Jude used all of his will power not to cling to Connor, to wrap his hands into his shirt and pull him even closer. Connor’s tongue brushed against his bottom lip and Jude jerked back, Connor’s hand falling from his face.

“Sorry….” Connor whispered, sounding breathless. Jude shook his head not trusting his voice just yet. They sat back on their heels, eyes finally meeting. Jude could still feel his heart hammering against his chest, but now he could also feel Connor’s lips, phantom but still there. 

“How was it?” 

Jude took a moment to figure out what Connor was asking. The kiss. He was supposed to be giving him an honest answer. Yet he had nothing to say. 

“It was fine….” 

Connor’s eyebrows drew together the way they always did when he was confused. 

“Just fine? Should we…..I mean…..can I try again?”

No. 

“Yes.” The answer came out of his mouth before he could stop himself and all too soon Connor was leaning toward him again, hand rising up to land on the back of his neck. He was pulled forward, his mouth opening slightly as it connected with Connor’s again.  
They paused for a moment, just letting their mouths rest together, before Connor brought his other hand up, angling Jude’s face so their lips slotted together perfectly.  
Connor’s mouth opened against his, kiss deepening. Jude’s hands curled, pressed into the carpet. He wanted….he wanted so badly but he couldn’t figure out what.  
Connor’s tongue brushed against his lip again but this time he stayed where he was, sighing softly. Their tongues brushed against each other, Connor’s hand moving up into his hair, fingers gripping lightly. Jude wanted to groan, to press closer, to crawl into Connor’s lap. He stayed still, hands clawing at the carpet under his fingers hurt.  
Connor kissed him for what seemed like an eternity, their breath getting deeper and the air around them getting heavier. Finally Connor broke away, leaning back but still holding on to Jude. 

“How was that?” Connor’s voice sounded hoarse, he was almost panting. Jude looked at Connor’s face and wondered if he looked just as wrecked. 

“Good…” he almost didn’t recognize his own voice. 

Connor’s hands finally fell away from him and he sat back. His face was flushed and he was still trying to get his breathing back to normal. They both jumped at the sound of the front door opening.

“Honey we’re home!” Connor jumped up, looking everywhere but at Jude. 

“I should go…”

“Connor wait…”

Jude hated how shaky his voice still sounded. Connor didn’t wait for him to finish, giving him a small wave before walking out of the room.


	3. Chapter 3

Jude tried to keep himself busy for the rest of the weekend to keep his mind off of the fact that Connor hadn’t texted him even once. He helped him mom in the backyard, planting rows of colorful flowers while she talked about work and the vacation she was taking mama on in two weeks. He listened and laughed and nodded but his mind was focused on his phone, sitting silently in his pocket. 

He helped mama make dinner and she would hum quietly and brush a hand through his hair when she passed him. She let him cut up tomatoes for the salad and stir the pasta. He had purposefully left his phone upstairs in his room this time.  
He sat at the table and ate, smiling at his moms as they fed each other and giggled.

When he made it upstairs he made himself not look at the bedside table, where his phone lay face down. He went into the bathroom and brushed his teeth, taking his time. He looked in the mirror and tried to see if he looked any different. If the Jude who had kissed his best friend looked like the same Jude who hadn’t. His eyes were still hazel and almond shaped and his hair, a little longer than usual was falling into them. He looked at his mouth and frowned. He looked the same, but everything felt off. He felt like he should look different.  
He heard his phone chirp in the other room and his heart thudded against his chest. He made his way over to the table and picked it up, turning it over. 

_Are you up?_

It was from Connor. 

_Yeah_

He replied and hated that he hadn’t waited. He knew it looked like he had been waiting for Connor to text him all day. 

_Come outside_

Jude frowned at his phone. He looked out of his window and saw a light flashing in his tree house. He slowly crept from his room, making his way down the steps to the back door. 

 

~~

The climb up was shorter than he ever remembered. Then again last time he had climbed up there he wasn’t six feet tall. He peeked his head in and saw Connor sitting against the wall, legs crossed, a flashlight in his hands. 

“I honestly doubt we’re both going to fit in here man…” Jude said quietly, even though there was no way his moms could hear them way out here. 

Connor smiled softly, “Won’t hurt to try.”

Jude hoisted himself into the tiny tree house, scooting back until he was against the opposite wall, his knees bumping Connor’s as he brought his legs up towards his chest. There was barely a foot of space between them. 

Connor was silent for a long moment, just sitting across from Jude, hands turning the flash light over and over.

“What’s up man?” Jude finally said when the silence started to feel too heavy.

“I kissed her.” 

Jude’s breath hitched in his throat and a sudden wave of something crashed through him. He didn’t want to think about what it was, because it couldn’t be. He couldn’t actually be…

“That’s great. How was it? Everything you dreamed and more?” He hated how aggravated he sounded. Finally Connor looked up to meet his eyes.

“I guess….it was different.”

“Different from what?”

“From you.”

The heaviness came back in full force as they looked at each other. The air felt thick and Jude wanted to get out of there, this tiny space with Connor so close to him. He couldn’t be there, not with all of these thoughts swirling around in his mind. 

“Well I guess that’s a given…she’s a girl.”

“And you’re not.” Connor said.

“And I’m not.”

Connor looked away, his eyebrows drawing together in a frown.

“What if…”

He stopped and Jude waited for him to continue, instead the silence stretched out between them again.

“What?” His heart was pounding against his chest so hard he was sure that Connor could feel it. 

“Never mind…” Connor finally said, still not looking at him.

Jude felt a hot wave of anger course through him. He knew this would happen, they did this thing and now Connor couldn’t even look at him. The ease and comfort of their friendship had disappeared and was replaced with this, silence and heaviness. He felt like he was sinking in quick sand, his lungs felt like they were being crushed. 

“OK well if you don’t want to talk I think I’m gonna go to bed…” Jude said, swinging his legs down into the doorway, and starting to climb down.

“It wasn’t what I expected alright?” Jude paused, looking up at Connor who still refused to look at him.

“I told you, you were building it up too much. It was never going to be as good as you imagined.”

“It was though….”

Jude frowned and sighed in frustration.

“I thought you said…”

“When I kissed you.”

Jude felt all of the air leave his lungs. His heart was going to burst out of his chest.

“What?” his voice came out breathy. Connor looked up then, his eyes determined.

“When I kissed you….it was everything I had imagined. And then when I kissed Maddie….all I could think about was how much better it was with you.”  
Jude was paralyzed, his hands gripping the edge of the doorway. 

“Jude I don’t know what the hell this means….I’ve been in love with her since elementary school. Now I can’t stop thinking about you!” 

“Connor…”

“No listen. How did it feel? For you I mean?” Connor uncrossed his legs, sitting up on his knees so his face was level with Jude’s, way too close. 

“I don’t…”

“Please Jude…how did it feel?”

“It…I don’t know.”

“Yes you do Jude.”

Connor’s eyes were searching, and he was so close and Jude could smell him, like fresh cut grass and spearmint gum and something so distinctly Connor. That same smell was still lingering in his sheets, all over his room. It always would, no matter how many times he washed them. Connor was a part of his life, the way his legs were a part of him. He couldn’t image a world without Connor. 

“I didn’t feel anything.” Connor's face fell the instant the words were out of Jude’s mouth. 

“Connor….it was nothing. We kissed and it was…it was just me doing you a favor. You belong with Maddie.” The words burned his throat. 

“Right…” Connor sat back against the wall, deflated. 

“I’m going back inside. Let’s just sleep on it ok? I’ll see you at school tomorrow.” 

Jude didn’t wait for Connor to reply before he slipped through the doorway, foot finding the first step of the ladder. His entire body was shaking. He could feel bile rising in the back of his throat as he fought every instinct to climb back up and….he didn’t know. He couldn’t let himself think about it.


	4. Chapter 4

Jude didn’t go to school the next day. He told his mom he wasn’t feeling well, and since he barely ever missed school she didn’t even think twice before saying he took take the day off. He turned his phone off and went downstairs to watch TV, since being in his room was out of the question. Up there all he could think about was the spot on the floor where Connor had kissed him.   
He sat on the couch and watched game shows and Jerry Springer until Mama came home and made him a sandwich for lunch before she had to head back to the school. 

“How are you feeling?” she asked, running a gentle hand through his hair. 

“Fine I guess…”

She smiled and sat down next to him, picking up the remote and muting the TV.

“You’re not really sick are you?” she asked, looking at him with those eyes that told him lying was out of the question.

“No I’m not…” he admitted, dropping his eyes to stare at a spot on the carpet where Jesus had spilled grape soda after tripping on his own skateboard. 

“What’s going on?” 

Her voice was soft and he knew that if he didn’t want to talk about it he didn’t have to. 

“Something happened….between me and Connor.” He started, cringing at the thought of having to tell her what that something was.

“Did you get into a fight?”

“Not exactly…we” he was wringing his hands together and Mama reached out and wrapped them in hers. Her hands were so much smaller than his now but he still felt like a little kid when she did this. He leaned over and dropped his head on her shoulder as she reached an arm up to wrap around him.

“What happened?”

“We kissed.” He could feel her freeze for a second.

“Oh…”

“He told me he liked it…and I told him I hadn’t felt anything.”

“Oh.” He leaned back to look at her and saw that she was frowning in confusion. 

“What?”

“It’s just….I always thought that maybe…you liked Connor?” she said carefully, in her guidance counselor voice. He looked at her for a second in disbelief.

“What?! He’s my best friend!”

“Yes honey I know that it’s just…back when you were in middle school you would….look at him. The way that I would look at Mom when she would show up at the school for parent/teacher meetings.”

Jude blinked at her, trying to process what she was saying. 

“Well I don’t like him! He’s my best friend. Even if I did like him I wouldn’t date him. Because if you date someone you end up breaking up and never speaking to each other again!” 

“Ah.” She said quietly after he was done, rubbing his back gently.

“What?” he asked, hating how frantic he was starting to sound.

“You’re scared you’ll lose him.” 

“He’s my best friend.” He said, almost desperately, begging her to understand.

“Honey…if there were ever two people who I’m convinced would make it through anything, and I mean anything, it’s you and Connor.” 

He felt his heart stutter in his chest at the words. The confidence with which she said them left him reeling. 

“How do you know that?”

“Love, when it’s as strong as the one you two have, can overcome anything.”

He groaned, covering his face with his hands. 

“That was the cheesiest thing you have ever said. And you make your own personal greeting cards.”

She laughed, the sound so familiar and warm that he felt himself smiling despite all of the things swirling around in his head.

“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it. Also, you’re going to school tomorrow.” 

~~

The first thing he saw when he walked into school was Maddie. She was leaning against her locker and talking to Chelsea. He tried not to look at her as he walked down the hall, head down. 

“Jude!” He swore under his breath before turning towards her and smiling. 

“Hey Maddie, what’s up?” She walked up to him and placed a small hand on his arm.

“Look even though me and Connor aren’t dating anymore I still want us to be friends ok?” she said, squeezing his arm gently. 

“What are you talking about?” All he could hear was how hard his heart was pounding. Maddie frowned as she looked at his expression.

“Don’t tell me he hadn’t told you….I assumed you would have been the first to know. He broke up with me yesterday.” She said it like it was nothing, like the fact that she lost Connor was a daily occurrence. Like algebra homework or pizza for lunch.

“Did he say why?” 

“No….but I’m guessing he met someone else. He’d seemed distant and weird all weekend.” She said, shrugging. 

“Ok.” He said, turning and walking away, ignoring her calling his name. 

~~

He found Connor at his locker, stuffing books into his backpack.

“You broke up with Maddie.” It came out as a statement instead of a question and Connor turned to look at him. He looked tired, like he hadn’t slept in days. 

“Yeah I did.” Connor said, turning away from him and slamming his locker shut. Jude expected him to storm off but instead Connor slumped against the wall, eyes trained on the ground in front of him. 

“Why?” Jude asked, voice louder than he intended. 

“You know why.” Connor turned to look at him and he looked almost angry. Then his face fell and he just looked exhausted, like all of the fight had drained out of him.

“Connor…you love Maddie. You’ve loved her for years.” Jude hated how desperate he sounded. Connor started shaking his head the minute he started talking.

“No…I didn’t. And I don’t. I love...”

“Stop.” Jude cut him off because he couldn’t bear it. Couldn’t bear hearing the words in the way that Connor meant them. 

He didn’t think he would be able to say no then. 

“I told you already. What happened between us? It was nothing. Just a friend helping another friend out.” 

Connor’s frown was back in full force and he took a step forward, crowding Jude back against the lockers. They were so close, too close. 

“See I don’t think that’s entirely true.” Connor said, voice so quiet that Jude could barely hear him. He could feel the heat of Connor’s body, barely an inch away. Connor’s arms came up, hands bracing against the wall behind Jude. His whole body was shaking, he wanted so badly to…he didn’t know. Didn’t let himself think.

“Tell me you don’t want me.”

“I…” his voice was shaky and Connor was so close. He could smell him and feel him everywhere, could feel his breath against his face. His head was fuzzy with the smell of spearmint. 

“I don’t want this…” he had meant for it to come out strong and sure, instead it came out almost breathless. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the cool metal of the locker behind him. Connor waited a beat before pushing himself away, Jude immediately feeling the loss of heat.

“Fine.”

He didn’t watch Connor walk away.


	5. Chapter 5

Despite his best efforts he ended losing Connor anyway. It had been two weeks since they last spoke. Even in class Connor did his best to avoid him. It felt like losing a limb or an internal organ. He felt empty and tired, like all of the life had been drained out of him.  
What hurt worse was that Connor seemed fine. He would see him with Maddie, laughing and talking in the hallways. He would see him skating with some guys from his Spanish glass, fist bumping and slapping each other on the back.  
After the first week Mama had tried to get him to tell her what happened but he had just shaken his head and went up to his room.  
Now that he didn’t have Connor he had time to think. Think about where this had gone wrong. He never should have agreed to kiss him, never should have even brought up the idea. 

Finally after two weeks of cold silence he couldn’t take it anymore. He was lying in bed on Friday night, his phone in his hand as he stared at the blank text. What was he supposed to say? Sorry  
that I turned you down even though I wanted nothing more than to kiss you again? I’m sorry that I’m an idiot? I’m sorry that I’m madly, passionately….no. Absolutely not. 

_I’m sorry._

He sent it and dropped his phone on the bed, trying hard not to count the seconds. It stayed silent. 

~~

He woke up the next morning to zero new texts. The disappointment ate away at him as he brushed his teeth and showered.  
Jude couldn’t even think about another Saturday spend alone, his moms trying to keep him busy while sending him concerned looks every few minutes. He sighed and flopped down on his bed, phone in his hand. He heard it chirp and jumped, pulling it up to his face.  
It was a text from Maddie. He frowned as he opened it.

_Hey Jude! I’m having a party tonight and I would love for you to come!_

He wanted to say no. To tell her sorry but he was busy. Instead he just wrote back ‘I’ll be there’ and pretended like his heart wasn’t racing. This was his chance to see Connor, to talk to him, try to explain why he did what he did. 

~~

At eight he left his house to walk over to Maddie’s. She lived a couple of blocks from him and he needed to clear his head before going inside. He stopped on her front porch, could hear the sound of loud music and people talking.  
Taking a deep breath he knocked. Maddie opened the door, grinning as soon as she saw it was him.

“Jude! You came!” she grabbed his arm, pulling him inside. 

“Uh yeah…how’s it going?”

She shrugged, still smiling. “Pretty good. Almost everyone is here already. Get yourself a drink!” 

She pointed to the kitchen before going to rejoin her group of friends. Jude shoved his hands in his pockets and wove through the groups of people, trying not to bump into anyone. When he stepped into the kitchen he froze. Connor was there, pouring something from a blue bottle into a red cup. Connor finally glanced up, freezing when he saw him.

“Uh...hey.” Jude hated how nervous he sounded. Like he wasn’t talking to his best friend. 

“Hey.” Connor’s voice was flat and Jude cringed at the sound of it. 

“What are you drinking?” 

Connor glanced down at the bottle he was still holding and shrugged.

“I don’t know. Maddie just mixed a bunch of stuff she stole from her parents. It’s pretty disgusting. You want some?” he was smiling a little, his mouth turned up in the corner. He extended his red cup towards Jude who took it just to have something to do with his hands. 

“Thanks…” he said, stepping forward to take it. Their fingers brushed as he took the cup from Connor and he flinched, his arm pulling away too fast to be casual. Connor’s smile fell, replaced by that same blank look. Jude could feel his face burning. He knew this was the perfect time to talk to Connor, try to explain everything. Instead he just dropped his eyes, looking at the floor. 

“Hey you guys! Come on were playing games!” Chelsea said as she popped her head into the kitchen. Connor followed her out without looking at Jude.

~~

They were all sitting in a circle in the living room with a bottle in the middle, a real one this time. Jude remembered playing this once before. It was just four of them and they had to use an app on Chelsea’s phone. His spin had landed on Connor and they had both laughed before pronouncing the game stupid and leaving the circle. Jude was sitting across from Connor, his hands still wrapped around the cup with the mystery liquid. He had bravely taken a sip of it and regretted his decision immediately. Maddie clearly hadn’t been thinking about taste when she mixed everything under the sun into one drink. 

“Ok so you have to kiss whoever the bottle lands on. It doesn’t matter if it’s someone of the same sex or not. Those are the rules.” Chelsea was saying and Jude could feel his stomach clench. He glanced over at Connor who was clearly avoiding his eyes. Chelsea had the first spin and it landed on a girl from his Algebra class. Amber. Or Ashley. The boys around him cat called as Chelsea leaned over and pecked the girl on the lips. 

The boy on Chelsea’s left spun and it landed on some girl Jude had seen at lunch but didn’t have any classes with. The girl next to him spun and it landed on the boy next to Jude and he let out a breath of relief. Then it was Connor’s turn. The bottle spun around and landed…on Blake. He was one of the guy’s that Connor would skate with after school. He had shoulder length blonde hair and said ‘bro’ a lot. Connor looked up at him, his face tinged pink. Blake shrugged, said ‘could be worse’ and started to crawl to the middle of the circle. Connor was blushing even deeper now as he leaned forward on his hands, getting closer and closer. 

Jude’s hand squeezed his cup, the contents spilling onto the carpet as he stood up. Both of the boys froze, looking up at him. 

“I have to go.” He managed to get out before he turned to leave. He didn’t hear if anyone called out after him, all he could hear was his heart pounding. 

~~ 

He made it home in record time, his mom’s calling out from the kitchen as he ran up the stairs to his room. His hands were still shaking and slightly sticky from the drink he spilled. He could picture everyone watching him leave, shrugging and continuing the game. Connor leaning over and kissing that guy. He felt blind rage rush through him.  
He could also feel his phone vibrating against his leg and he knew it would be Maddie or even his mom’s. He pulled it out of his pocket and turned it over.

**Connor**

Jude stared at the screen with the picture of Connor, mouth full of pizza giving him a thumbs up. He pressed answer and brought the phone up to this ear. 

“Hello?”

“Meet me outside.”

Connor hung up before Jude could say anything else. He took a deep breath, trying to get his racing heart under control. All he could think about was the fact that Connor was here. He had followed him.

~~

For once Connor wasn’t in the tree house. He was leaning against the side of the house in the backyard. Jude tried to read the expression of his face but it was still blank. 

“What happened back there?” Connor asked as soon as Jude was facing him. 

“I don’t know what you mean…”

“Really? Because you kind of freaked out. Why?”

“I just…remembered something. That I had to do.” 

Connor nodded slowly and Jude knew he didn’t believe him. He didn’t know why he was lying, why he couldn’t just tell Connor the truth. 

“Right. I’m leaving.” Connor said, pushing away from the wall. He was walking away and Jude felt panic rising inside of him.

“I didn’t want you kissing him!” it burst out of him and he could feel his face burning. Connor stopped, not turning around but clearly listening.

“I didn’t want to see you kissing that guy. I didn’t want to see you kissing anyone….” 

Connor slowly turned to look at him, eyes wide. 

“Why?”

Jude’s hands were shaking again and he forced himself to keep looking at Connor. 

“I don’t know…”

“Jude.” Connor walked toward him, stopping when he was a foot away. “Why don’t you want me kissing anyone?”

“I told you…I don’t know…”

“Yes you do!” Connor’s voice was edged with frustration and he was staring at Jude, eyes blazing.

“Connor…”

“Please. Just tell me why!” 

“Because you should be kissing me!” 

They both froze as the words left Jude’s mouth. Connor took a step back, eyes widening. Jude’s eyes dropped to the ground and his whole body was vibrating. He wanted to take it back, the words, the kiss, everything. 

And then Connor’s hands were on his face, tilting it up and he was kissing him. Jude’s heart felt like it was bursting out of his chest. Connor’s mouth was pressed against him, lightly, like he was giving Jude a chance to pull away. Instead Jude’s hands gripped the back of Connor’s shirt, pulling him closer and kissing him back.  
Connor let out a breath, lips parting as the kiss deepened. One of his hands was in Jude’s hair, fingers gripping the strands lightly, making his breathing heavier. They were pressed together so tightly, the heat of Connor’s body making Jude feel light headed. 

Connor pulled back just enough to rest his forehead against Jude’s. 

“Tell me you want this.”

“I want this.”

He could feel Connor’s smile against his lips as he kissed him again.

**THE END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who decided to read this! It just wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it! I hope it wasn't too terrible.


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